For the last
few generations, mine included, the emphasis on career has pushed many of us away
from the homes we grew up in and has made us nomads of sorts, chasing the next
degree, the next experience, and the best job across the country and even
around the world. Since graduating, I've lived in two different countries,
three different cities, and in seven different homes. I moved from place to
place in search of my purpose and a career I could love.
Given my penchant
for transience and adventure, I have to admit that the thought of putting down
roots in some suburban community has always made me cringe. From the outside, the
white-picket-fence-life seems dull and stifling, an act of settling into a rut
and giving up on your dreams. The world is a vast place with so many types of
people and cultures and you are choosing to wrap yourself in just one little
corner of it? I'm sure the fact that my parents moved a lot - taking our family
to Brazil, several places in the U.S, and to Nicaragua – has only aggravated my
travel itch.
But as I get
closer to turning 30 and as I experience more of single life in a big city, I
find that my views on "settling" are starting to change. Perhaps it's the nesting hormones starting to
kick-in.
DC is a city
full of young, single professionals. They are a very social bunch, but their tendency
toward loneliness is strong – roots are shallow, self-identity is still in
flux, and superficial relationships abound.
Within this
environment, my three-story red-brick row house with its blue door and a warmth
of community inside has been a God-given haven. The seven of us take turns
cooking and often share our meals together. We throw fun parties with live
bands, toilet paper each other rooms and put fake spiders in each other's beds,
cry with one another when tragedy strikes, and simply enjoy the warmth and
comfort of each other's presence. We still suffer the loneliness of our 20s,
but it's muted and shared.
Although in
my gut I've always known this, living in this community house has reminded me
that relationships are truly the good stuff of life and that people are what I
should ultimately pursue, even above career.
I think one
of the reasons I struggle with the idea of settling is because I know that by
choosing one particular place I am excluding the possibility of knowing other
places. By picking one job I cut-off the option of other jobs. By picking one
group of friends I miss the chance of getting to know other interesting people
(a problem I struggled with constantly in college, and therefore always felt a
bit like an "in-betweener" never fully belonging to any group of
friends, always one foot in and one foot out). Moreover, by settling on one place, job, or
friend group I'd also not be able to be fully me – I need diversity to draw out
all the different parts of who I am and to grow.
Yet I've
begun to realize that the depth of life is often best experienced by narrowing
in and choosing. You cannot experience the closeness and deep love of marriage
without committing to a person and similarly you can't mine the richness of a
community without in some way committing yourself to it. And so as much as I've
appreciated how my transient life has helped me discover myself and new ideas
and diverse people, I think it may be time for the pendulum to start swinging
back, not just in my own life and in the life of other 20-somethings, but as a
culture at large.
Much to my
surprise, it turns out that although "the United States is often portrayed
as restless and rootless," the pendulum has actually been swinging back
for quite some time. In 1950 about 21% of the population had moved the year
before where as in 2010 the number was down to 12%. So although young people are still the most
mobile demographic, overall recent generations are actually more settled than
their predecessors. Despite this general shift, the "elite" who hold college
degrees continue to be heavy movers (77% have lived in more than one community
vs. only 56% who have high school diplomas). The elite prioritize career over
friends and family when stating their reasons for moving. (See this publication by the PEW foundation for more interesting statistics.)
A recent book, The Little Way of Ruthie Leming, touches on this need for a broader
cultural shift in values, especially among the more mobile educated elite. It's a nonfiction tale contrasting the transitory
city life of an older brother with the settled small town life of his little
sister. When the little sister dies of
cancer and the whole town comes out for her funeral, the older brother realizes
that his sister had something that he's missing – community. Community is a
gift that is fostered over time, it takes patience and forgiveness, a heap of
small acts of sacrificial kindness, and most importantly, it takes presence.
Our society
still needs some movement; especially in a polarized political and religious
world that is so often marked by fear and boundaries, cross-boundary
relationships are vitally important. But we need to learn how to move not just
toward career and financial goals, but toward people. This doesn't necessarily mean
moving back to your home town, but it means making people an important factor
in your decision to live somewhere. It also means learning to bloom and set
roots where you are planted, even if you will only be there a short while.
Invest in getting to know your neighbors, not just the figurative neighbors of
"Love thy neighbor as thyself" but your real neighbors next door. Share
deeply with friends even if you know you may move away in a year and may not
keep in touch. Know the needs of your community and reach out to help.
At a reunion
of college friends this past weekend many people remarked how insular their
lives felt. Several had recently moved to a new city for school or for work,
many had new babies and were absorbed in home life, and they all set the goal
of reaching out to their communities more.
As one of my
friends at this reunion said, in many ways our generation has undervalued the
art and gift of friendship. My hope is that we could rediscover and reinvent
the art of community friendship. We now emphasize buying locally and caring for
our local environment, but can we also emphasize living locally? With Facebook
and Twitter linking us to the broader world and a "fear of missing
out" pulling us ten different ways, can we learn to live where we are, to
love those placed in our path, to meet the needs of those around us?
I still don't
know the family in the house next door to me. I know the man across the street
does not like our loud parties, and I periodically see a guy named Rudy who
lives down the street and I think has a crush on one of my roommates. But my
life is not really lived in my neighborhood – it is lived in my house and then
stretched across the globe.
In a couple
months we're inviting the neighborhood over for a meal and I'm looking forward
to finally meeting my neighbors and learning how to live a bit more locally. I
hope others in my generation, living the transient life-style, can learn to do
the same.
Love this, Lisa! So true and inspiring. I'm gonna go meet my neighbors now! (Btw, loved hanging out this weekend!)
ReplyDeleteThanks Anna! Glad you liked it and was great to see you too! Hope to hang out and talk more!
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ReplyDeleteSeveral people posted some comments to my post on The American Conservative (http://www.theamericanconservative.com/dreher/freedom-limits-ruthie-leming) and I thought I'd repost my response in case it can provide further clarity to what I was trying to say in this blog post. Thanks to all for your encouragement and support, it's been so fun to expand my audience and to hear what others have to say!
ReplyDeleteAs the author of this post, I thought I’d chime in here. First off, thank you all for making this a discussion. This is the first time anything I’ve written has made it beyond my friends and family, so this has been a real privilege for me and I’m grateful to Rod for posting an excerpt of my blog.
I do think the obvious thing needs to be said here and that is that I am spoiled! At the age of 29, I have had the luxury of living in 5 different countries and attending prestigious universities that have opened many, many doors for me. I am not limited, in fact my options sometimes feel limitless. It is truly a blessing which I don’t want to belittle, and I would not trade my limitless choices for being in a place where I had to stay put or move for one reason or another.
What I was trying to get at in my blog is a point similar to what I think Rod was trying to make in his book. I am not trying to throw away all of my choices, but rather I’m trying to choose more wisely. As I face my wide menu of choices it is important for me to reconsider what is most important. Am I going to choose to prioritize career? family? location? friends? etc. With every choice (i.e. commitment) comes limitations – which limits lead to the most freedom, love, and joy?
Most of my life I’ve really looked down upon those who chose (I emphasize the word chose) to never leave their hometown and to choose geographical and career limitations. Rod’s book helped me to re-examine my prejudice and to see the wonderful blessing in this choice that I had not really seen before.
I still think cross-cultural experiences are really important and I wish there was a good way to both commit to a community while reaching out to the broader world. I think that this is ultimately my goal though it is a journey for me to find the right balance (if such a thing exists). I also think stage of life plays a huge role in where, to whom, and how much you are willing to commit. Life has seasons and I do think a season of movement can be very healthy. In my own life and in the life of many of my friends, we are realizing that it may be time to swing back toward to virtue of commitment. (as I said in my post, turning 30 soon I’m sure has a lot to do with this feeling!)
In terms of why I felt the need to speak for the culture at large – this was from reading statistics on the high mobility rate of the elite and from reading other similar publications on how we have destroyed much of our community life (e.g. Feminism and The Razing of the Village, posted in The Federalist). Most of what I wrote applies more to this elite educated segment that has the luxury of choosing and perhaps I should have been more explicit about that.
Even so, I DO think even the less economically privileged face a choice. One of my best friends grew up in a trailer and her dad, who has only a high school diploma, chose not to take a better paying job in another state and instead to start his own small business that paid him about $15,000 a year in order to stay near family. Everyone has choices, not just the elite.
There is no one way to live and even though I want to move toward committing to people more deeply it’s something that I really struggle with. I’m just hoping to move a little more in that direction as I really do think that some of the greatest joys in life come from community.
Thanks again so much for reading my post and for your comments. I wish you all the best in your quest to live well!
OK, now I've finally caught up with your posts.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this one, as I have everyone that preceeded it. However, my concern is that this path could lead to an idolatry of 'community'. While life in community is a good blessing from God, it's not the ultimate good.
Remember, the command to "Love thy neighbor as thyself" follows - and is an outgrowth and a visible sign of - loving God. Throughout the OT and the NT, the love for one's neighbor is always a sign of one's love for God ... loving one's neighbor is never an end in itself.
Perhaps what you're getting at here is what my great-grandparents faced when they decided to be missionaries. They had a choice between following what they felt was God's call to Latin American vs. staying at home with their family and community and ultimately chose to move.
DeleteAs in my great-grand parents case, I would heartily agree that community does not trump all and there are other competing goods and better goods, including loving God. But community is still a good worth pursuing and something I need to improve upon.
I might disagree with you that loving one's neighbor cannot be an end in itself. But I have to ponder this more...
Thanks for your thoughts and for reminding us of the ultimate good.
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DeleteThe example of the dilemma face by your great-grandparents is very pertinent. It's also a case of human limitation to discern God's will, because both the choices that they faced - go to Latin America or stay and serve their family/community here - are both good things that God to which calls His followers.
DeleteHowever, I do not consider loving the community and loving God as competing goods at all. The former is always subservient, and a corollary of, the latter. That stems from my worldview - the point on which we seem to disagree - that loving one's neighbor is not an end in itself. Please allow me to explain why I hold that view.
There is a pattern throughout the Bible of God revealing Himself, and then requiring a response that is consistent with His self-revelation. That's the pattern in the Ten Commandments. Its preamble, "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery" is the big point, and everything else that follows - including the instructions on how His people are to treat one another - is the response to this revelation. In fact, the lack of the required response is considered by God to be a rejection of His revelation. That's what is seen consistently in the prophets, (esp. the approximate contemporaries, Hosea, Isaiah, Amos, and Micah). God points out that Israel does not take care of its widows and orphans, and He cites that as the evidence that they have rejected Him. The lack of a response is tied to the rejection of His revelation of Himself. That causal link is also in the Gospels. When Jesus is asked about the greatest commandment, He cites loving God as the first and most important but quickly follows it with a second (corollary to the first) commandment to love your neighbor as yourself.
I recognize that we may not share this view, so I simply submit it for your consideration.